Who am I?

based on a thought of mine, ‘who am I without my eating disorder?’.
my therapist set me to think about the things that make me, me.

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Those striked through are no longer an issue (or never were).

Those bolded are what I especially struggle with.

(List from beingtrulymeandnobodyelse.)

1. Eating the same meals daily, or regularly, without variation.

2. Using a very small or very large amount of condiments (e.g. salad dressing, ketchup, hot sauce, butter).

3. Exercising more on days when you have had or expect to have a larger meal, dessert, etc.

4. Avoiding certain social functions that involve food.

 5. Packing your own food when attending events.

6. Maintaining a vegetarian, vegan, or other diet that restricts certain types of food.

 7. Becoming upset if you are unable to work out on occasion.

8. Wanting to be the last to finish your meal.

 9. Eating very quickly or very slowly.

 10. Frequently choosing to eat alone.

 11. Eating while engaged in television, work, or other distractions.

12. Only eating at certain times or after a certain number of hours.

13. Using food as a reward, such as waiting to eat until you finish a task despite being hungry.

14. Engaging in other restrictive behaviors, such as not allowing yourself to buy something that you need and want (and can afford).

15. Lying to other people in any capacity about your eating or exercise.

 16. Pushing yourself during exercise in a mean and threatening way – or hiring someone to do it for you.

17. Putting off eating in order to “get things done.”

18. Scheduling events around food and using it as justification for eating more.

19. Only eating at certain restaurants.

 20. Weighing yourself regularly.

21. Not wearing certain clothing items that you like out of fear.

22. Buying low-fat, low-calorie, low-carb or only “health” products.

23. Using artificial sweetener.

24. Holding on to your “skinny clothes.”

25. Having rules or patterns around eating meals.

26. Not keeping certain foods in your home that others may enjoy.

27. Destroying food in any way.

28. Chewing gum or eating mints frequently to stave off hunger.

29. Engaging in fat-talk.

30. Loading up your schedule to avoid free time.

31. Getting in arguments over food with friends or family.

32. Turning down birthday cake (when you want it!).

 33. Commenting on other people’s eating habits.

34. Frequently seeking approval from others.

35. Reading blogs that don’t promote a healthy balance.

(Source: redlotusrise, via we-are-anti-thinspo)


i’m so scared. i’ve lost 3.5kg since i’ve been home (around six weeks). every single time i’ve been weighed i’ve lost. what are they going to do? 

I know I now need to gain weight, I can visually see myself losing, but I can’t treat myself to eat more, as right now, I don’t feel like I deserve it. I need to earn it, and I don’t know how anymore.

Anyway, i’m trying to bump my diet up a little bit, and it’s making me physically sick with anxiety. (I threw up on the table after trying to finish all the carbs on my plate)

1. clear my plate. i’ve got into the habit of leaving things, and those things are getting  bigger and bigger.

meal plan

breakfast: 2 weetabix, skim milk, 2 pieces of fruit

snack: half a slice of toast (!), 100 cal snack

lunch: salad, protein and carb, dessert

dinner: hot meal, dessert

snack: 300 cal snack

it’s still pissing me off how I have to eat SO MUCH MORE than everyone else just to maintain my weight. when will this stop? when will I just be able to eat like a normal person, and now have to constantly stuff myself every two hours? :(



I am currently at a healthy weight. I am planning on maintaining this weight, perhaps even gaining a little more.I am gaining back life along with health and happiness. I’ve been doing responsible food shopping, buying ‘fear foods’. I’ve been buying and eating food that I’ve never bought and eaten before. I’ve bought, eaten and cooked pasta myself. I’ve done it three times. Without anybody cajoling me into it.I am coming back. I am no longer a ghost that I don’t recognise.I am getting a life back. My photos are no longer the same old mirror photos. This is a photo of me laughing on a night out. Drinking. My hair is getting its shine back.Life is wonderful and so incredibly precious and I am so incredibly grateful for my life, for being alive, for being loved, for loving. I am so lucky to be alive, to have a wonderful family that come together so well in difficult times. 

If any of you needed a reason to keep fighting, or some inspiration, this is it. Things can get better.

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Height: 5'8 Weight: Healthy Bmi: Healthy

Main blog. (may be triggering)

I may have gained three stone, but I have also gained a life, and to me that is irriplaceable.