37995) I want all of us to remember that everyday we are survivors. Every single day that we wake up, we have survived.
I looked down, fixated on the sight before my eyes. Blinking away my tears, I pushed it away with trembling hands. I could breathe easier the further it was away from me. Stable hands pushed the plate towards me yet again, winning the silent tug and war of willpower. I turned my head away, determined not to be infected by it. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. Yet, I couldn’t help but sneak curious, scared glances at the plate in front of me.
Who am I?
based on a thought of mine, ‘who am I without my eating disorder?’.
my therapist set me to think about the things that make me, me.
Those striked through are no longer an issue (or never were).
Those bolded are what I especially struggle with.
(List from beingtrulymeandnobodyelse.)
1. Eating the same meals daily, or regularly, without variation.
2. Using a very small or very large amount of condiments (e.g. salad dressing, ketchup, hot sauce, butter). 3. Exercising more on days when you have had or expect to have a larger meal, dessert, etc.
4. Avoiding certain social functions that involve food.
5. Packing your own food when attending events.
6. Maintaining a vegetarian, vegan, or other diet that restricts certain types of food.
7. Becoming upset if you are unable to work out on occasion.
8. Wanting to be the last to finish your meal. 9. Eating very quickly or very slowly. 10. Frequently choosing to eat alone.
11. Eating while engaged in television, work, or other distractions.
12. Only eating at certain times or after a certain number of hours. 13. Using food as a reward, such as waiting to eat until you finish a task despite being hungry.
14. Engaging in other restrictive behaviors, such as not allowing yourself to buy something that you need and want (and can afford).
15. Lying to other people in any capacity about your eating or exercise.
16. Pushing yourself during exercise in a mean and threatening way – or hiring someone to do it for you. 17. Putting off eating in order to “get things done.” 18. Scheduling events around food and using it as justification for eating more.
19. Only eating at certain restaurants.
20. Weighing yourself regularly.
21. Not wearing certain clothing items that you like out of fear.
22. Buying low-fat, low-calorie, low-carb or only “health” products.
23. Using artificial sweetener.
24. Holding on to your “skinny clothes.” 25. Having rules or patterns around eating meals. 26. Not keeping certain foods in your home that others may enjoy.
27. Destroying food in any way.
28. Chewing gum or eating mints frequently to stave off hunger. 29. Engaging in fat-talk.
30. Loading up your schedule to avoid free time.
31. Getting in arguments over food with friends or family.
32. Turning down birthday cake (when you want it!).
33. Commenting on other people’s eating habits.
34. Frequently seeking approval from others.
35. Reading blogs that don’t promote a healthy balance.
i’m so scared. i’ve lost 3.5kg since i’ve been home (around six weeks). every single time i’ve been weighed i’ve lost. what are they going to do?
I know I now need to gain weight, I can visually see myself losing, but I can’t treat myself to eat more, as right now, I don’t feel like I deserve it. I need to earn it, and I don’t know how anymore.
Anyway, i’m trying to bump my diet up a little bit, and it’s making me physically sick with anxiety. (I threw up on the table after trying to finish all the carbs on my plate)
1. clear my plate. i’ve got into the habit of leaving things, and those things are getting bigger and bigger.
breakfast: 2 weetabix, skim milk, 2 pieces of fruit
snack: half a slice of toast (!), 100 cal snack
lunch: salad, protein and carb, dessert
dinner: hot meal, dessert
snack: 300 cal snack
it’s still pissing me off how I have to eat SO MUCH MORE than everyone else just to maintain my weight. when will this stop? when will I just be able to eat like a normal person, and now have to constantly stuff myself every two hours? :(